Look, I wasn’t terribly excited about watching it, so I’m
doubting you’re terribly enthused about rehashing it. However, it’s necessary. Well, at least, for me. So here it is – my review/reliving of the
weakest chapter in the Star Wars saga.
What I liked/loved:
The Music
John Williams is a boss.
Again. Even though the characters
he was writing the score for had no chemistry, his music made the most out of
an unsavory situation.
Obi-Wan and Count
Dooku
Yes, Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee are the standout
actors in this film. More on the rest of
the actors later. Again, Obi-Wan is
given the best lines. There are a few
nostalgic lines tossed about, but again, his best line is merely two words –
“Good job.” Again, were it not for
landing McGregor in Phantom, this
whole prequel trilogy would have been derailed from the start. The thought of adding Christopher Lee – who
was recently thrust back to notoriety via his brilliant turn as Saruman in The Lord of the Rings – to the cast was
quite charming. And though his character
would ultimately serve as merely a pawn, Lee brought his signature charisma to
the villain role. The scenes the two actors
share together are probably the best in the whole film, proving that
questionable dialogue can be rendered memorable, given the right caliper of
actor.
Ideas
Although their execution left a lot to be desired, Lucas did
come up with some clever ideas. The idea
of a chase sequence through Coruscant was fun, in theory. The cloning factory on Kamino was
intriguing. Though totally a recycled
scene from Empire, another chase
through asteroids had to look good on paper.
Maybe the idea of the droid factory seemed fun? The arena execution with new strange creatures
was probably just that – all six words – in Lucas’ script, and was probably
quite the enjoyable brainstorm. Oh, and
certainly that climatic battle sequence, followed by Yoda finally donning a
lightsaber. Lots of stuff to work with
in the script, no doubt.
Rapid-Fire
Miscellaneous Items
- The Jedi temple
- R2-D2 flying.
- C-3PO’s puns.
- The majority of the spacecraft – particularly the doomed senatorial cruiser and Obi-Wan’s ship.
- The arena creatures.
“Questions That Need Answering”
·
Why is Corde barefoot?
·
Why are the Jedi referred to by Palpatine as “your
graces”?
·
Why go and visit the palace on Naboo, if Padme
and Anakin were going into hiding?
·
Why didn’t Nute Gunray insist on immediate
execution, rather than prolonging it with the arena execution? He’d been foiled by the Jedi and Padme
before, why risk it?
·
Why did Jango get involved in the arena
battle? He clearly wasn’t using his
head…
·
Why would the Death Star plans be safer with
Sidious on Coruscant?
·
Why on earth would you throw things at Yoda when
he was the one who taught you to throw things?
What I loathed:
Creeper Anakin
From the moment we’re reunited with the man who will be
Vader, he’s already all hot-and-bothered over Padme – a girl he hasn’t seen in
ten years, but has been obsessed with her ever since. When the two meet, he’s just creepy. The things he says to her and about her to
Obi-Wan makes you ask, “Is he training to be a Jedi, or honing his stalking
skills?” With the information that
Obi-Wan is privy to, wouldn’t it behoove the Council to appoint Padme a
different bodyguard? She even points out
that he makes her “feel uncomfortable.” I guess you could say that Palpatine is rigging this, but it’s a
stretch. By the time Anakin and Padme
are secluded on Naboo, you’re wondering if Padme just has a case of Stockholm
syndrome or is willfully leading on the next great Sith. Look, I’m no expert in the arena of
relationships, but I’m pretty sure if I tried to woo a fair maiden with
Anakin’s dialogue, I’d be either laughed out of town or have a restraining
order issued against me. It’s kind of on
Padme, really, after Anakin returns and buries his mother. When she found out he went mental, she stayed
with him. Did she think she could fix
him? Then again, she probably just
thought that he’d go even more mental if she left him due to irreconcilable differences
– up to and including homicidal tendencies.
It would be one thing if it was just angst. This was back before Twilight, remember? So we
all know that Anakin’s character isn’t the most poorly written one out
there. But he’s really got nothing to be
angst-y about. When he starts spewing
his drivel about finding Padme’s would-be assassin and then complaining about
Obi-Wan, it would be easy enough to just chalk it up to annoying, teenage
hormones. But then he just gets creepy,
with an unnerving arrogance toward Padme and Obi-Wan. And not really in a brooding, malevolent kind of way, but rather a wasn't-beat-enough-as-a-child kind of way. Again, it’s easy to just say that Palpatine
was pulling the strings the whole time, but I don’t think that’s what Lucas
intended. I really think he thought he
was writing the greatest love story of all time. Unfortunately, he was really just indicting
Obi-Wan’s training of the boy and the Council for their inability to see that
the kid should’ve been institutionalized upon discovery.
The Acting
I distinctly remember the search for the actor who would
portray the blossoming Sith lord. It was
vast. DiCaprio’s name got tossed about,
as were the likes of Ryan Phillippe and Paul Walker. Much has been said about what a different
actor would have brought to the role, but we got Hayden Christensen. I was about to add “for better or worse”, but
I’m guessing the collective wisdom just assumes the latter. As easy as it would be, I’m not going to sit here and bad
mouth him just for the sake of bad mouthing him. That’s been done ad nauseum. I couldn’t have done it better than him. But I think I speak for the entire nerd cooperative
here when I say that we expected more. Portman
wasn’t horrendous in her role as the queen turned senator, but it was more her
chemistry (or lack thereof) with Christensen that made her less than something
to write home about. And I know Samuel
L. Jackson, Rose Byrne, and certainly Joel Edgerton are capable of more. It’s unfortunate, really. I think if they were given a director who was
more seasoned and less enamored with the soap-opera of it all, things could’ve
been different. But…
The Dialogue
...the actors really are only as good as the lines they’re
given to deliver. So, it’s really no
wonder that Christensen and Portman deliver lackluster performances – they were
given next to nothing to work with. I
think the ratio of good to bad lines in Phantom
was about 1 to 4. In this film, I’m
guessing it’s more like 1 to 16. The
script is rife with cringe-worthy lines.
So every time there’s a little gem like when Obi-Wan refers to the Jedi
Temple as “the old folks home”, it’s a breath of fresh air in an otherwise dank
two hour and change stink bomb. Oh, and
there’s Lucas’ not-so-subtle anti-smoking message with “death sticks.” It’s kind of funny in an ironic way, the way
Padme and Anakin spar over Jedi credentials and political upbringings, but it’s
really all for naught. By the time the
two are about to be wheeled into the arena to their deaths, you just wished
that they would stop talking. Forever. Then we could have all avoided that love
pledge. Just let John Williams’ music do
the talking instead.
The Art Direction
Again, I couldn’t have come up with anything better. But the more I’ve dwelt on it, the more
disappointed I’ve been with how cheesy some of the set pieces look. The speeder used in the Coruscant chase scene
didn’t make me want one. Padme’s hair – enough
said. The Kaminoans necks just look like
lightsaber bait. The giant tick cow that
Anakin rides in the waterfall meadow looks like, well, a giant tick cow. And as cool as the Dooku’s ship was with the
solar sail, it looked like an easy target that would take forever to get from
Geonosis to Coruscant. Also, there was
kind of a lack of differentiation between the scenes that transpired
concurrently on Tatooine and Geonosis. You
can only do so much with special effects.
You can’t gloss over a lame story with big hair, shiny things, and lots
of crazy critters.
So there it is. Two
down, four to go. I don’t hate Episode II. I certainly don’t love it. I tolerated it enough as a 16-year-old boy to
go see it three times in theaters. But
time hasn’t been as kind to this one, as I’ve matured. The seams are obvious, the acting is
lackluster, and the continued story of Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side is not
what I had hoped it would be.
Here’s where it (unsurprisingly) falls in my rankings (best to worst):
- –
- –
- –
- Episode I: The Phantom Menace
- –
- Episode II: Attack of the Clones
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